Lock ‘Amityville Cop’ Up and Throw Away the Key [The Amityville IP]

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Twice a month Joe Lipsett will dissect a new Amityville Horror film to explore how the “franchise” has evolved in increasingly ludicrous directions. This is “The Amityville IP.”

Part of the structure of this editorial series is working through the Amityville “franchise” in chronological order, so it was surprising to discover that Amityville Cop (2021) wasn’t listed on the Wikipedia list of titles.

Turns out Amityville Cop is something of an Amityville Prison (aka Against the Night) in which the word “Amityville” is never spoken and there’s no concrete connection to any of the other films. Sure, there’s a Satanic cult who dress in red, but there are none of Dustin Ferguson’s masks like Amityville in the Hood and the cult leader, Empress Ciara (Laurene Landon), has no back story that connects to any of the other villains in the “series.”

The film is set at a police precinct as members of the force prepare for Captain Benson (Jeffrey Moon)’s infamous New Year’s party. Everyone is a stock character, including Mary Lewis (Craijece Danielle), the rookie on her first day, Miller (Jason Toler), the hot head asshole who is also the best cop, his patient partner, Val (Nicole D’Angelo) and the nerdy tech, Tom (Leonard Zhang).

They’re forced to take a stand when Captain Benson’s former partner, Damian Wilson (Lovie Johnson) – who was killed 20 years prior in Empress Ciara’s sacrifice – returns as a demon to seek revenge. Naturally everything goes down at the party.

It’s a relatively straightforward plot, but writer Geno McGahee’s story features several unusual characteristics and more than a few inconsistencies.

For example, the party is referred to as a tradition going back 50 (!) years, which is a shockingly high (and arbitrary) amount of time. Then there’s the explanation for why the party has such a small number of attendees: the State Governor has restricted gatherings to no more than ten people after a party he bankrolled was busted by police the previous year.

It’s such a convoluted excuse to hand wave what is very clearly a small, low budget film shot during the pandemic, but it begs the question why McGahee didn’t just go with a simpler, less ridiculous reason. The size of the gathering is a significant plot point for a good portion of the first act…and then it is never referred to again once the party begins.

If it seems like focusing on the party details is petty, it’s because the film doesn’t offer much else. The action is restricted to the precinct, which is eventually revealed to be the party’s location, so only those on duty (aka the film’s small cast) attend. Despite the single location, director Gregory Hatanaka fails to establish the geography of the precinct and the set is barely dressed beyond the usual “generic prison”/office decor (see also: prison-set Amityville Uprising, which similarly struggled in this area).

That leaves the bulk of the focus on the characters and this is where McGahee’s screenplay falters badly. The lead is arguably Miller, the young-ish cop who uses a stellar track record to justify his use of violence and lack of empathy. Toler is a dynamic and engaging actor, but the character falls somewhere between insufferable (multiple characters rightfully call him an asshole) and quirky oddball; he’s more of an annoying caricature than a proper lead. A telling example is when he deflects Captain Benson’s questions about a violent arrest by relating a(n admittedly sex-positive) joke about receiving anilingus from a woman on a recent date.

This is mixed in with misogynistic dialogue and bizarrely sexualized behaviour, much of it centered around Lewis’ looks and sex appeal. Even the Captain participates in this behavior (!), and later a drunken Lewis gives Miller a lap dance (again, on her first day!!). In one of the film’s more frustrating developments, McGahee ends the film by giving Miller, who has been an insufferable d-bag, a hero’s victory: Amityville Cop concludes with Miller making out Val, who had rejected his “childish” advances for years.

Aside from Miller, though, none of the characters make any impression. They’re uniformly one-dimensional and their personalities and motivations seemingly shift based on the needs of the plot. Perhaps if the story were more adventurous, or if the film actually had something to say about the monstrosity of the police (or police work), this would work better, but there’s nothing deeper here.

Thankfully Amityville Cop is a mercifully brief, 69 minute viewing experience. It’s more frustrating than terrible, but you could lock it up, throw away the key and not miss much.

The Amityville IP Awards go to…

Homeless Obsession: The film has a peculiar relationship to unhoused individuals. Wilson’s return is predicated by a series of murders of homeless people, one of which is witnessed by Gus (Johnny Mask) who lives on the streets. When he reports the crime at the precinct, Miller calls Gus a drunk and a hobo before casually painting Lewis’ partner Cooper (Chris Spinelli) a “bleeding heart liberal” because he challenges Miller’s language. Later, Tom questions how Gus ended up on the streets because “You seem much too smart for it” (Thankfully Gus does explain that it has nothing to do with that, but Tom’s line is still uncomfortably tone-deaf).
Sex Obsession: In addition to Miller’s IEatBooty.com line and the comments about Lewis’ looks, the film has a recurring (bordering on childish) obsession with sex. Miller assumes Tom is into “anime girls” because he’s Asian and lives at home; later Miller quips thatthe New Year’s Party is “not an orgy…yet.” Even Val gets in on the weirdness when she dances with the Captain, suggesting he could use some “female attention” after his recent divorce.
WTF Dialogue: In the most bizarre line delivery of the film, Cooper, upon observing the Captain talking to Gus and Tom, calls them a “trio” and casually suggests: “I’m sure one of them could suck a bowling ball off a garden hose.” Umm…what?! It comes completely out of nowhere and goes unremarked upon, but it might as well have been accompanied by a record scratch.
Demonic Make-Up: The deaths in Amityville Cop are pretty underwhelming. Many of them occur offscreen, or Hatanaka shoots/frames them so poorly that it’s not even clear when or how characters die. With that said, Patrick Bradberry’s understated facial and hand make-up on Wilson is really effective.
Confusing Lunch: Characters frequently talk about Gus as though he’s not standing right next to them, but a lunch scene when Cooper and Miller clash is the weirdest. In a clear continuity error, Cooper references Gus being locked up, then he leaves and Miller turns to speak with Gus, who was sitting there the whole time! It’s a clear script vs editing gaffe that undermines the consistency of the scene.